Chuck The Suck: Stop Languishing, Start Flourishing
Last year, around this same time, I wrote a piece called Stuck in The Suck. It started out like this:
“Don’t wanna. The blahs. Semi-annual BOGO sale on existential crises. Ennui (when you’re boring but also French). Stuck. In. The. Suck.
This is where I’ve been for the past few days. Staring at the megalodon-sized list of things I need to do and then suddenly wanting to take a nap. This is not typical for me, but it is familiar. At least twice a year (usually more like once a quarter) I endure a stretch of The Suck. The years have taught me that it’s temporary but that’s not always enough to call off the evil gnomes of self-flagellation and shame (yikes, even typing that word makes me squirm).”
It went on to discuss ways this lack of enthusiasm can take over, what to do about it, and to acknowledge that it’s just something that creative types endure from time to time. It’s all still true, but like so many things, The Virus That Shall Not Be Named just had to stick its nasty little fingies in it. It put The Suck in a vice grip and squeezed the ever-loving hell out of it.
Because of that, The Suck has been strong this spring. My drive was low. My energy was lower. The only word to describe my writing was… flaccid. (Don’t make a weenie joke. I am a respectable, grown-ass adult woman. I own a business! Don’t make a weenie joke… *eye twitch*) I know I’m not alone here. (Clearly, you are also resisting the weenie joke.) I see it reflected back to some degree in my clients, friends and family, and most every other person I talk to. The Suck has had its meaty paws all up in our business. For months.
During The Suck, an unproductive day seems to stretch on and on. Then the mystical time vortex that’s kept J-Lo looking exactly like she did in 2002 swoops in and—BAM!—it’s 10 PM and we’re asking, “Where did this day go?!” The next day it happens again. Then again the day after.
It’s been especially rough when it comes to any work that requires me to be creative and clever—hence the recent dearth of blog posts and emails. I refuse to show up as the written equivalent of a sad, deflated blobfish in your inbox. I respect you too much. (But I missed you! Oh, how I missed you!)
The Suck loafed around—leaving half-empty, cold cups of coffee strewn hither and yon—long past its typical stay of a week or two. Just when I thought it had decided to move in rent-free, eating all my fancy chocolate then putting the empty box back in the cabinet because The Suck is THE WORST, something pretty great happened.
MY NEW FRIEND, JERI BINGHAM, REACHED OUT AND OFFERED THE KEY TO WHAT I’D BEEN MISSING: ENGAGEMENT.
No, she didn’t get down on one knee and pop the question (though I might’ve said yes if she had because she’s that fabulous). What she offered was mental engagement. That sweet, delightful, bubbly kind of engagement that comes from an earnest exchange of ideas. Teeny cognitive champagne bubbles started to prickle my prefrontal lobe and things started to shift. Hallelujah!
Now Jeri herself is as delightful to speak to as she is thoughtful. She has an unmistakable quiet dynamism and a palpable hunger to spark impactful conversations—traits that make her a bold introvert in the truest sense.
Jeri is the host of Hush Loudly, a podcast where she interviews introverts doing incredible things. She’s a kindred spirit helping shift the narrative around what introversion means. She’s unafraid to challenge the status quo and tackle tough topics—all with a calm grace and easy laugh.
When she asked me if I would be open to joining the impressive roster of guests she has interviewed on Hush Loudly, Jeri—Hero of Heroes—swooped in to help me slay The Suck.
It turns out, what I call The Suck has a more official label. It’s known as “Languishing” and Adam Grant (ya’ll already know I love him) recently wrote a great piece about it for the New York Times.
“Languishing,” Grant says, “is the neglected middle child of mental health. It’s the void between depression and flourishing—the absence of well-being. You don’t have symptoms of mental illness, but you’re not the picture of mental health either… Languishing dulls your motivation, disrupts your ability to focus, and triples the odds that you’ll cut back on work.”
Oof. Fun stuff, amiright?
Grant continued, “[W]hen you’re languishing, you might not notice the dulling of delight or the dwindling of drive. You don’t catch yourself slipping slowly into solitude; you’re indifferent to your indifference. When you can’t see your own suffering, you don’t seek help or even do much to help yourself.”
That bit hit me square between the eyes—the same eyes that are always on the lookout for this exact experience. Having gone my share of rounds in the ring with depression, I can state confidently that’s not what’s going on when The Suck drops by unannounced. However, The Suck has a doppelgänger that’s more menacing.
Apathy.
Apathy serves as a warning sign to alert that depression is lurking. I’m hyper-vigilant in watching for it, which can be tricky as it has the benefit of flying under the radar.
Apathy. Languishing. The Suck. A turd by any other name…
But here’s the bit where we talk about what can be done about it. Grant’s advice, and my own.
Grant outlines ways to offset the mehhh of Languishing. He asserts that getting into flow—a state of being absorbed in meaningful challenge—is the best way out. Two approaches that can help with this are: carving out some uninterrupted time (introverts rejoice!) and focusing on a small goal.
Both are great and necessary pieces. When I read the article whilst in the middle of The Suck, however, I had a hard time figuring out how to get that far.
So I have two additional suggestions I’d like to add.
SEEK ENGAGEMENT
Engagement is the gift that Jeri offered me when she reached out. She handed me an opportunity to engage my knowledge in new ways. In a year marked by so much individual, day-to-day sameness (even amid global chaos), she offered something different.
I was lucky that the engagement found me when Jeri reached out (I’m going to tell you allllll about how she did this very soon! Stay tuned!), but sometimes we don’t get that lucky and we have to go hunt that wascally wabbit ourselves.
If you’re struggling to get out of a rut, to engage, to get into flow, consider how you can take the old and make it new. How could you look at your work, life, or relationships differently? Approach them from a different angle. Put on novel lenses to look at them through. Stir up a hunger pang of curiosity that can only be satisfied through engagement.
The word engage comes from the Old French word engagier which means “to pledge.” To seek engagement is to pledge that you’re willing to make yourself a little more uncomfortable in order to make yourself a lot more content.
I’m not advising a stressful life change or a huge risk. I’m saying take that favorite recipe you already know and love and add some new spice. Sprinkle that curry on your life, my friend! We all definitely need more curry.
Find a new way to light. your. badass. up.
ASK YOURSELF THIS QUESTION
The other way to get yourself out of The Suck is to ask yourself this One Important Question.
This question is major. This question is the Big Kahuna. Consider me a wise old sage on a mountaintop handing you this question and saying something profound like, “This is a serious question, dipshit.” (I’m a grumpy sage. There’s no wifi on this mountain and the squirrels keep stealing my trail mix.)
This question is this:
“What feels the most like self-respect?”
I’m willing to bet you have done a fuck-ton of work around self-respect. It’s a sort of grueling right of passage for bold introverts. It involves telling naysayers, and old ideas, and shitty beliefs to go to hell or, so help you, you will beat them with a sock full of nickels.
Self-respect is not a shiny, self-care buzzword covered in lavender-scented mantras and moonbeams. Self-respect is often the hard-won honor of those who’ve been through Some Shit. I imagine Brené Brown would say it’s the prize you win when you’re willing to stand in the arena.
So if you’re struggling to get into flow or to start tackling those small goals as Adam Grant suggests, consider using this mondo question.
I can either send this scary proposal email or I can wait until tomorrow. What feels the most like self-respect?
I can either have this difficult conversation with a person I love, or I can chicken out and hope it blows over. What feels the most like self-respect?
I can either write this blog post or scroll social media. What feels the most like self-respect?
I can either apply for this job or pretend I’m not qualified enough. What feels the most like self-respect?
I can either try and risk failure or don’t try and never learn if I can. What feels the most like self-respect?
You, my friend, are the only one that can answer this question in any given situation. What feels like self-respect one day might not the next. If that’s the case, you ask the question again and follow the answer.
Ultimately, I think it’s a cocktail of all of the above that gets us out of The Suck. Flow. Small goals. Engagement. Self-respect. Together, they move us back toward flourishing.